


It's Always Sunny in Eddie's Pub

by esmeeeeme



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Assassins/Templars, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Bars and Pubs, Bartender Desmond, Drinking Games, Edward Kenway gets the well lived life he deserved, F/M, Gen, Grandad!Eddie, Haytham Being An Asshole, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Some shit never changes, Terrible Timing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5371151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esmeeeeme/pseuds/esmeeeeme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gang consisted of the following:</p><p>Desmond Miles: a bartender who really needs a fucking break.</p><p>Lucy Stillman: the only successful one out of their friends, landing a job in a prestigious, and slightly satanic, bio-medical company called Abstergo, where Desmond was pretty sure they had human experimentation. </p><p>Shaun Hastings: a British historian asshole who thinks he's better than everyone and enjoys leaving passive aggressive sticky notes and most likely smokes tea.</p><p>Rebecca Crane: the bisexual vegetarian pothead hacker that can make someone's bank account suffer, but usually spends her time looking for ways to humiliate Desmond in every way possible.</p><p>An eccentric Welshman owns a pirate themed pub in Philadelphia and try to find their way in the world of work and relationships. But often, they can't get out of their own way, leading to uncomfortable situations, which usually get worse before they get better.</p><p>Scratch that, they always get worse.</p><p>Or, the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia AU you didn't think you wanted, but here it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Always Sunny in Eddie's Pub

**Author's Note:**

> I love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia so much, and I also love me some good old Assassins Creed Modern AUs, so I decided to make this AU a thing. I honestly have no regrets. I had soooooo much fun writing this. i obviously do not own AC or Its Always Sunny. Enjoy! ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**11:19 AM**

**On a Tuesday**

**Philadelphia, PA**

* * *

 

Desmond liked the bar.

Well, he worked there as a bartender so he kinda had to like it. But he knew others in his line of work that hated where they worked. Some of them were too grimy; some of them were too crowded. Others were just not good. Many other issues arise with other bartenders in their work: cheap liquor, bad work conditions, other things like that.

So far, in his year and a half of working in the bar, the only issue he had was with the noisy and sometimes annoying customers that trickled in every now and then.

The place itself wasn't anything special.

The owner, Edward Kenway, was a happy and middle aged Welshman with eccentric tendencies and flair for all things pirate themed. Hence why it was called Eddie's Pub.

Desmond liked the fact that it was in the plaza, and not some frat bar on the campus nearby. The area was always brightly illuminated, even through the night. There was never a dull day, or night, there. Small shacks were open, stands were posted, bars and diners were still open after dark for the nightclub goers that ended up there. Which was where Desmond's job was located.

Best part was that it was a few blocks from his apartment. He didn't have to worry about being late or his car not working. Given, because he didn't have a car. Motorcycle, yes, but it was still sitting in Clay's garage after that almost accident.

That's why he had Altair around.

Well, Altair was one of his roommates. And one of his best friends. He was a quiet guy, reserved, not really a fan of small talk. That was when he barely knew him. Now, he just couldn't shut the fuck up and Desmond could finally understand why nobody wanted to be friends with him in the first place because oh my god, he would never shut up.

But in a way, Desmond didn't really mind it when Malik, one of their neighbors. He didn't know much about him aside from the facts that he grew up in Syria and he has a younger brother named Kadar who was the sweetest being in the whole world, but even more of a little shit than Ezio. At least Altair had someone that can bitch back at him.

Desmond like to watch.

Which was perfectly fine with Desmond because he had seen Altair pissed off and it was a sight he didn't want to see ever again.

"I think you only like me for my car," Altair said one night.

"I like you for your share of the rent," Desmond said, a small grin on his face.

"Fuck you, Miles."

"Love you too, Altair."

During the day, the bar wasn't really occupied. Some customers came in for the diner option in there. But mostly, the people that always visited were Desmond's friends.

"Hey Lucy," Desmond greeted.

"Hey Desmond," Lucy was rubbing her temples, attempting to keep out the irritation in her voice but failing. Her blonde hair was falling out of her tight bun, an exhausted look etched on her face.

"Someone's had a rough day," Desmond commented offhandedly. He knew it was worse than that when she didn't shoot him a glare like she normally would. "Need a drink" he asked.

"Please, vodka cranberry on the rocks."

Desmond pulled out the respective bottles and glass and promptly served up the drink to Lucy, who mouthed a silent thank you to him.

"So Luce, what's the problem?" he asked.

"Interns are fucking idiots. Okay? Interns are the biggest fucking idiots there are out there," Lucy said.

Desmond raised an eyebrow. Lucy cursing and complaining about her job. Her day must have been shit.

"Now that's a bit harsh," he said.

"It's the truth! The interns I dealt with today were idiots. Shaun was no help whatsoever. He is going to give a goddamn  _aneurysm_ ," Lucy punctuated the frustration with a small bang on the table. "All the British bastard did today was drink some Earl Grey and tell me to go to work! He's a goddamn  _historian_! A  _historian_  told  _me_ to go to  _work_  when he _wasn't_  even working!"

Lucy sounded so shocked by it that all Desmond could do was let out a small scoff. That was exactly how Shaun was. In all the years Desmond has known him, Shaun was an asshole. A sarcastic, sometimes caring asshole, if that was even possible, but still an asshole nonetheless.

But knowing that Lucy wouldn't appreciate that statement, all Desmond could do was continue to listen.

"Sounds tragic," Desmond deadpanned, continuing to wipe the glasses. He was used to noisy people and their rants. At this rate, he was already halfway done and it made listening to Lucy's rant easier. He knew he wasn't allowed to drink on the job but at this rate…

"I don't think I can take it. This is my first time dealing with the interns and it's driving me crazy. And it's barely the second day!"

"Can't you call in sick?" Desmond asked.

Lucy looked at him, gawking at the suggestion. "Call in  _sick?_ Desmond, this is Abstergo we're talking about! You don't know my pain. All you do is serve drinks!"

Desmond stopped wiping the glass in his hand.

"...You're paying for your drink, Stillman."

"What?!" Lucy exclaimed.

"I've been listening to you rant for the past half hour about interns not knowing how to use Microsoft Word. The least you can do is pay for your drink."

"This is what I get? After all I have done for you," Lucy let out a small, almost offended scoff and emptied her glass in one go, sliding it forward. "I'm out."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"I'm out, Desmond! I'm out!"

Lucy shot him the middle finger and walked out of the building.

Federico Auditore stood against the wall, clearly amused.

"Did you just see that?"

"Yeah, it's alright. We all have difficult customers...I'm kidding, that's coming out of your paycheck."

It was official. Federico was the least useful Auditore he knew.

Desmond sighed. "Federico, go fuck yourself."

"I don't have to, because unlike you, I have a girlfriend," Federico winked and did the stupid finger gun motion, backing out of the room.

Desmond resisted the urge to throw a glass after him, so he settled for a coaster and aimed right in the middle of his forehead. Federico cursed and promised to snitch to Edward.

Desmond still counted that as a win anyways.

* * *

"So you guys aren't together?"

Desmond frowned. "What are you talking about?"

Rebecca leaned back onto the bar, resting her elbows on the counter. "Oh you know, that thing….Ever hear of a ménage à trois?" she asked casually, like she was talking about the weather.

Desmond mouthed the words, thinking back on his French. That one guy, Arno, could be of some use right now. "A  _threesome?"_  Desmond asked. "What the  _fuck_?" he asked, shocked. Out of all the things he expected, it was so not that.

"Desmond, we all know that you're not that straight. Ezio isn't either. Altair….well, I don't know. But bottom line is that there are three very attractive guys living together in an apartment," Rebecca took a bite out of her fries. "So the only acceptable conclusion is that something must have happened at one point, or something  _is_ happening."

"Dude, we are not sleeping with each other. They're my best friends," Desmond said. "What made you say that?"

"Think about it," Rebecca said.

"I don't want to!"

"Do you at least cuddle?" Rebecca asked.

Fuck. He was done. He was so done.

"Out. Get out of my bar. You are loitering, asking creepy questions, and attracting unwanted attention."

"Is that a yes?" Rebecca asked.

"Get out of my bar."

"Holy shit, it's a yes!" Rebecca jumped off the stool. "It's a yes! Desmond, you have made someone very happy! And earn 20 bucks!"

"Get out of the b- wait, there was a betting pool on whether I was in a threesome with my roommates?!" Desmond exclaimed.

"Yeah!"

"GET OUT!"

Rebecca let out a loud whoop and ran out of the bar.

It only took Desmond a few minutes to realize that Rebecca hadn't paid for her fries again.

" _Goddammit!"_

* * *

"Hey Desmond."

"Oh thank God."

Connor Kenway sat on one of the stools. Aside from being the owner's grandson, he was one of the more quieter and tolerable friends Desmond had. Already knowing his order, Desmond handed him a cold soda from the cooler and Connor slid a dollar across the counter.

It was customers and friends like this that helped keep Desmond from breaking a beer bottle on Federico's head.

"Long day?"

"Ugh, yes. Lucy comes in ranting about interns and doesn't pay for her drink, Rebecca starts asking if me and my roommates are in a threesome, runs out and says I helped her earn 20 bucks."

"So that's what Rebecca was talking about," Connor said to himself.

"She's been telling people?!" Desmond asked.

"Not many," Connor reassured. "I think."

"Jeez," Desmond sighed. "Count on that idiot pothead to make that correlation. Well, we aren't, if you were wondering."

"Okay, got it. Nothing to worry about there."

Connor was a terrible liar.

"You were in the betting pool were you?"

"...Yes."

_"Goddammit!"_

"You know how Ezio is! He's sending us all kinds of mixed signals."

"What mixed signals?" Desmond asked, exasperated. "That's just…." he sighed. "Wait, did you buy that soda with the money you  _won_ on a bet  _on_ my  _sex life_ _?"_

"I'm sorry, I gotta go right now," Connor cleared his throat abruptly, grabbing his can of soda. being the walking definition of metaphorically shoving the breadsticks into his bag. With an awkward wave to his grandfather in the back, he stepped out of the building and broke into a run.

Desmond counted to ten, then backwards again, then to ten once more.

"I need a goddamn drink."

**Author's Note:**

> No regrets. Reviews are welcomed!


End file.
